Dan Seman Will Protect You

What Needs Guarding

In my wildest dreams, I never thought we’d be called upon to watch holes in the ground made by construction people. But you know what? If you dig a hole on the moon, and you don’t put a security guard next to it, somebody is going to fall in that hole and sue you.

Or guarding garbage. I love it when companies call us to guard garbage. Why? They’re never specific about that. It’s highly classified garbage.

We’ve been contacted to protect fine bottles of wine while they’re being transported—a bottle worth maybe $25,000. And eyeglasses from Cartier worth $2 million. You pick up the glasses in an ordinary case, put them in your vest pocket, and take them somewhere.

We’ve been assigned to photo shoots where an actress is wearing a $2 mil brooch. I’ve been hired by the jeweler, I’m responsible for the brooch, I’ve signed for it. And I have to say to this very prominent actress, ‘Don’t leave my sight. If you’re in the bathroom, I’m going to be in the bathroom with you.’ That’s awkward for both of us. But it’s the nature of the business.

We’re proud to be security guards. We don’t want to be security ‘officers’ or security ‘agents.’ This is the oldest profession in the world. People say, no, prostitution is. Well, someone had to protect the prostitutes. There have been guards around since day one. Someone always had to guard something: your food, your wife, your children, whatever.

We have researched the term ‘security guard.’ It basically stands for ‘to protect.’ That’s what we do, plain and simple.

Pay Per View

Office buildings are the best. They’re the biggest soap operas in the world. You’re dealing with a lot of sexual issues, people fooling around on their spouses or whatever. Most buildings are pretty heavily cameraed now, and we monitor the cameras. You get the ever-popular rendezvous on the rooftop. When the roof door opens, the video camera comes on, and all of a sudden it’s pay per view. Our guards are good about keeping their mouths shut. But as I tell our people, always assume you’re being watched by a closed-circuit television camera.

September 11

The 9/11 attacks had a huge impact on every security provider nationally. After 9/11, our business took off like crazy. Once, companies wanted a guard on one door. Now, they want four guards so that three can patrol the perimeter. More clients want guards for their buildings, their parking lots, their people. And visibility is the name of the game now. They used to want someone in a suit and tie, with a low profile. Now it’s the opposite: marked cars, marked bicycles, marked golf carts—everything to indicate that the property is heavily secured.

“Suck-Up U”

In our executive-protection services, sometimes we work with visiting dignitaries—ambassadors, former heads of state, kings and queens who come for medical exams to clinics in Rochester or Arizona or wherever. I still can’t believe I’m this kid from South Minneapolis and I’m calling the guy King— ‘Excuse me, King?’

We’ve worked with a lot of Hollywood celebrities, who I absolutely hate. They’re surrounded by people who graduated from Suck-Up U: ‘You’re so great, so wonderful, I’m not worthy to be with you.’

Even worse are politicians. They’re also surrounded by nothing but yes-people all the time. No matter what they do, they’re never wrong.

“Oh, My God, Are You Serious?”

I love working with celebrities. We get the luxury of being third-party observers. It cracks me up to see these people, the way they interact. Don’t ever believe this crap about how they hate the paparazzi, and the paparazzi make their lives miserable. They need each other. They feed off each other.

Celebrities would all love to live inconspicuously if it just weren’t for those damn paparazzi? Huh-uh. We’ll consult with a celebrity about executive protection, and we’ll say, ‘We think you can get by with one guard.’ They’ll want six. And for hauling two people, they’ll want six black Escalades for a motorcade look. Nobody’s in the other five cars, but they want that illusion that they’re really sought after. A lot of times, the studio pays for it. It’s just ridiculous.

And I’ll get the phone call: ‘Do you have any bulletproof cars?’ ‘Well, why, what have you heard? Is somebody going to shoot at us? Then this isn’t our issue, it’s a police matter.’

I kid some celebrities who say they’re dealing with stalkers. I’ll say ‘Yeah, we were at his house. He has a “Paul” room or a “Mike” room—you know, a psychotic room with your pictures all over it and “Die!” scribbled on the walls.’ They say, ‘Oh, my God, are you serious?’ ‘No, I’m not serious. I’m kidding.’

On the other hand, we have caught a couple of seriously dangerous stalkers. These people are crazy. They’ll be carrying duct tape, 10-by-12 photos of the person, the works. I mean, what was your intention, buddy?

Arnold Schwarzenegger was a nightmare. I mean, he’s a good person, he means well, and I think he’s gotten better since he became governor of California. But we had problems like, ‘Tell those people to quit staring at me.’ Well, I’m sorry, but this is America and people do stare at you because you’re a celebrity! 

We worked with the Olsen twins [Mary-Kate and Ashley] when they were little kids, maybe five years old. I remember one of the paparazzi asked me, ‘Do you have any dirt on them?’ What do you mean dirt? They’re babies. Give me a break. I said, ‘Yeah, they go through men like disposable diapers.’ And they printed that! I don’t remember which rag it was.

Bad, Bad Barney

My all-time favorite celebrity was Barney, the purple dinosaur. Years ago, at the height of his popularity, he was at the Mall of America. We must have had 10,000 or 15,000 kids coming to see him.

I was in a back room with the guy dressed up in the Barney outfit. The head is on a hinge, so his head is off and he’s smoking a Marlboro. I ask, ‘Do you have any specific issues regarding security?’ He says, ‘Nope, just keep the little bastards away from me.’ Then he takes the last drag off his cigarette, throws it down, grinds it out with his giant dinosaur foot, and says, ‘Well, I guess it’s time to go see the little assholes.’  He hinges the head forward, waddles out, and starts waving.

You’re Fired

Years ago, we started what we call ‘employee termination standby services.’ That’s a name for standing by while a company fires someone who they think may cause a problem. This has now grown into a whole division of our business.

We might send in a team of six for a plant closing when they’re laying off 900 people. But a lot of the time we come in when the people being fired are thieves, agitators, womanizers, people who like to intimidate other employees. A lot of thieves. Companies don’t want to call the police, they just want the thief to go away. Especially when it’s the chairman of the board.

We’ll be listening through the wall of the HR person’s office with a stethoscope to see if the person is going to get violent or just get up and walk out. We’ve had people go completely fuckin’ nuts. They slap the HR person across the face, they flip the desk over with Herculean strength, they come out looking like the Tasmanian Devil.

And they throw things. We identify ourselves: ‘We’re security. Calm down.’ Right. Now we’ve learned to take stuff out of the room beforehand: chairs, pens and pencils, scissors—anything that can hurt us and isn’t nailed down, it leaves the room. Especially chairs. People love to throw chairs at us. And they’re pretty good. I mean, they hit us with amazing accuracy.

These can be hourly workers or executives, it makes no difference. A CEO is as likely to throw chairs as anyone. Even though their incentive packages are good, sometimes they just can’t handle the ego deflation. No more use of the jet. That’s a big issue.

And the phrase I always hear is, ‘But why?’ In all different languages. ‘I can’t have sex between the buildings? But why?’ Because you’re an idiot, that’s why.

Jerry Springer Syndrome

There’s no such thing as routine anymore. At weddings, funerals, or wherever, we’ll get shouting matches that escalate into fistfights in a heartbeat. We call it the Jerry Springer Syndrome. One of my guys will call and say, ‘Well, they went JS on us.’

We’ve been in corporate board meetings where somebody says something and suddenly it’s the Jerry Springer Show, with people throwing coffeepots. This happens mostly in family-run companies. They’re trying to stay calm, but that one little thing will set them off, and they lose their minds.

I couldn’t make this stuff up. That’s what I love about my job.