You might find that your children are surprisingly receptive to the conversation—not just because they want your money, but because they genuinely want to know your views. “I see the children encouraging parents to talk about their wishes,” says Michael Haverkamp, senior vice president and investment manager at American Investment Services in St. Paul.
An investment advisor might help you rehearse the conversation, or could present the inheritance details for you. “Having an outsider present the plan helps remove some of the emotional element,” Olson says.
Some parents also leave a letter explaining why they made particular decisions, Clark says. “Whether they like it or not, a letter might help kids understand why the parents did what they did,” Clark says.
Some parents also leave letters, sometimes called “ethical wills,” even when their estate plans aren’t likely to hurt anyone’s feelings. “It’s a letter to your heirs about how to live a successful life,” Olson says. “In my experience, these have been received very positively, and sometimes they’re used as guide to making future decisions.” One of her client’s families, for instance, needed to decide whether to sell or develop an asset, and they re-read their father’s letter to get a sense of what he would have done.
Despite your best efforts to make fair decisions and communicate them effectively, your heirs may still be unhappy. “There may be no way around it,” Lamm says. “We have clients who are bitter.” The parents of those clients may have to be content with the knowledge that they’ve made the most responsible arrangements they can.
