A Separate Peace

“That den may have an auxiliary use, so when he’s kicked out because he’s snoring, or maybe when he has to work late or she has to get up early, they have a place to go,” Mulfinger says. “A lot of people aren’t on the same sleeping schedule, so they do need a space like that, but they still want it within what I call the ‘couple’s realm.’”

That realm includes closets—and often, those are designated for him or her. Hers is generally bigger, more of a dressing room than just a set of shelves and racks; his is often smaller and more utilitarian. But sometimes, the separation isn’t just a matter of size. “In my own house, we have his closet and her closet,” Mulfinger says. “But for us, it relates to two different styles of neatness. One party is much different than the other relative to the amount of clothes that are strewn around.”

Perhaps as common as separate closets are separate bathrooms. Smuckler most often sees what he calls “a larger version of the kid’s jack-and-jill bath,” which includes separate facilities within the same room. At a bare minimum, they have separate sinks and storage space; some, he adds, may even have separate toilets.

Peterson has designed separate bathrooms for clients—one distinctly masculine, the other more feminine. “There’s usually not a tub in the guy’s bathroom, and probably a bigger shower with a few more features,” he says. “In the typical female bathroom, there’s a nicer tub, a nice makeup and sink area, but a shower with fewer features.”

Sexton says that while the women often ask for a lot of details in their bathroom, men have many requests for their offices. “Men get a more elaborate office, women a more elaborate bathroom,” he says. Separate offices, he adds, has been a relatively new concept for his company, albeit one that is gaining popularity. “The formal office, with a lot of dark woods and rows of bookshelves, tends to be the man’s office,” he says. “But now we’re seeing women who want a space that is maybe a bit more utilitarian, something that might be used for crafts and hobbies as well as work or paying the bills.”

For some, separate offices are about an allocation of equal space. For others, especially as more and more people are working at home part- if not full-time, it’s about being able to get work done. “My wife and I tried briefly to office together,” Mulfinger admits. “But now we have our own different spaces. It’s good for us to have our own worlds to retreat to and work in; if we need to talk to each other, we call on our cell phones. That’s worked for us for almost 30 years.”

Separate but Shared

Lynn and Sandra Davis jointly occupy the rest of the rooms in their house. “This is a couple that shares a bedroom, a bathroom, closets, even an office,” Mulfinger says. “But they have their own separate worlds as well.”

Lynn Davis says that Sandra rarely visits his library; he stops by her studio, which has no TV and no computer, even less often. “The only time I’m in her space is when the grandchildren are there,” he says. “But that’s largely because everything I seek and need and want is in my space.” The two of them do thrive, however, on time spent together as much as they enjoy the time they spend alone. “We are both extroverted and proximity to people tends to be where we get our energy,” he adds. “I find myself going to my library more often when I’m home alone. When both of us are home, we tend to be in the great room together.”

Peterson says that’s part of what makes separate spaces so successful. When each spouse has the opportunity to create a space that fills a personal need and allows for quiet and reflection, the rest of the house seems to fit better. “At the end of the day, each person can be happy because some of the spaces aren’t yours and some of the spaces are yours,” Peterson says. “You can enjoy what is beautiful about the other person, celebrate who they are and enjoy their space with them—but you can have your own space as well.”