Myth: Money is the biggest source of conflict.

In light of that last set of findings, it shouldn’t be any surprise that as assets pass from one generation to the next, if conflicts arise they aren’t always about money. Among boomers surveyed who had already lost their parents and had experienced a conflict, it was five times more likely (15 percent of those surveyed) to be about personal possessions than about distribution of financial assets (3 percent). Why? Because their parents didn’t believe that those aspects of their legacy were important enough to talk about. And $1,000 can be divided up a lot more easily than mom’s prized Lladro statue.

Myth: All children are equal.

While the Allianz report shows that 84 percent of elders and 75 percent of baby boomers expect parents’ assets to be distributed equally among heirs, “boomers who take unconditional equality for granted are in for an unpleasant surprise,” it says.

One-third of their parents say that making decisions about inheritance is an important source of power and control (and 15 percent of boomers perceive that inheritance is used this way in their families). According to the study, “a performance-based meritocracy is an increasing preference, especially among high–net worth families,” with factors of “performance” including providing care for a parent, sharing parents’ values and beliefs, and being financially responsible. Other factors that elders considered significant in differentiating between children were financial need and number of dependents. Almost half of all high–net worth elders disagree that every child has the right to share equally in the inheritance of a parent, twice the rate in lower–net worth families.

The importance of values and a personal legacy in the study results was eye-opening, according to Mark Zesbaugh, chief executive of Allianz Life: “We went into this survey thinking that we wanted to talk about inheritances, but nobody wanted to talk about inheritances. When we changed the term to ‘legacy,’ everybody wanted to talk about that, with financial assets way down the list in terms of importance. Values and life lessons, instructions and wishes, and personal possessions with emotional value were all more important to people than financial assets.”

One last important point made by the Allianz study: Planning a legacy and laying the groundwork for its transfer shouldn’t take place when someone is on a respirator; it’s a process, one that can take many forms and have many outcomes. I couldn’t agree more.